An Underdog Story: Handicapping the Puppy Bowl XVII MVP Race
Over the past 11 months, the sports landscape has shifted in the midst of a worldwide pandemic. We saw March Madness cancelled, MLB opening day postponed, and contact-tracing leading to schedule issues across all of professional sports.
While the world is in disarray, one thing kept sports fans sane: looking forward to “The Big Game”.
For months it has been on our mind. And for weeks we have seen the hype build as the competitors are selected and preparations are put in place. “The Big Game” is beyond a sporting event. It is a cultural event. Millions tune-in just to escape for a few hours – whether they pay attention to the play on the field, the halftime show, or even the commercials. “The Big Game” serves as an escape from reality and a shared experience that can be watercooler fodder the next morning.
Throughout the pandemic I have found the “the big game’s” purpose is not to declare a winner and loser, but rather to bring mankind closer together. It has a deeper meaning than I ever realized, and that meaning will be on full display today. Of course, while we legally need to refer to today’s event as “The Big Game” – most simply know it as:
Puppy Bowl XVII.
Whether it is sports betting or day-trading $GME, Americans have been looking to get their adrenaline fix from their couch during the COVID-19 era. Puppy Bowl will be no exception, as most sportsbooks are taking wagers on anything from the game winner to the gender of the MVP.
One bet I did not see on any books is the specific MVP of the game. So, I am here to assist with your Puppy Bowl MVP race handicapping, just in case you have a degenerate bookie interested in taking your bet.
The 17th edition of the Puppy Bowl is getting official celebrity hosts for each team, with a certified gangster who has done time in the clink co-hosting with Snoop Dogg this year.
Now that the stage is set – let’s get to our MVP candidates!
AARON PAWGERS, (Treeing Walker Coonhound): +225
So my biggest concern with Aaron’s MVP chances is not that he is named after the NFC runner-up, but rather that his namesake might be…misunderstood. It was a noble effort on attempting some alliteration when naming A-Paw; however, according to Urban Dictionary, PAWG has quite a different meaning than the Animal Planet producers intended. Tough look.
CHUNKY MONKEY, (Chow Chow): +150
This is now a Chunky Monkey household. Chunks personifies “football guy”. You can tell he gets nasty in the trenches considering he has ONE EYE. Also, his IDGAF attitude proves that he is not interested in the media attention and just wants to get through walkthroughs, chug a protein shake, and grind some film. #InChunkyMonkeyWeTrust
MICHAEL, (Beagle/Lab Mix): +500
In a field that includes names like Bananaberry, Foxy Cleopatra, and Milky Way - Michael is by far the worst dog name I have ever heard. Some dogs are born to play football, and others aren’t. It all starts with the name. Don’t blame Michael, blame his parents.
TINA, (Chihuahua Mix): +2500
Tina. Sweetie. Please don’t do this. I don’t know which producer had the sick & twisted idea to enter Tina into the Puppy Bowl when the bandana SWALLOWS her. But it is clear from the look in Tina’s eyes that she is terrified for her own well-being. Someone please save Tina. I am begging you.
SPAULDING, (Hairless Terrier): +3300
Jesus Christ. What is happening this year? I 100% support Animal Planet featuring dogs of all different shapes and sizes in the Puppy Bowl in order to get them adopted but this seems ill-advised. When you need a hand to literally prop up the contestant, I am pretty sure they will not fare well in the competition. I am begging Animal Planet to edit out the first time Spaulding lines up against Chunky Monkey.
PACIFIC, (Chihuahua Mix): +3500
STOP PUTTING SUB-FIVE POUND CHIHUAHUAS IN THE PUPPY BOWL. PLEASE. Just throw Pacific, Spaulding, and Tina into the announce booth with “Grand Master Scratch” the DJ Kitten and let them VIBE. I am officially questioning the intentions of Animal Planet executives.
COMET, (Terrier/Boxer Mix): +450
Slightly concerning that Comet’s bandana looks like it is keeping his head on his body, but I like his football pedigree. The expression on his face screams “Billy Bob from Varsity Blues” which elicits some injury concerns but screams “grit”. Nice frame, solid paw-span, explosive lateral quickness, and floppy ears. I like Comet as a sleeper pick at great odds.
VINNIE, (Dachshund Mix): +300
Low man wins. An excellent fit for Dan Campbell’s Detroit Lions, Vinnie is ready to take some kneecaps. I will admit that it is hard to tell whether the photo of Vinnie is him getting into a football stance or cowering in fear, but I am going to go out on a limb and say he is a front-runner.
JETT, (Unknown): +1000
The ’80 U.S. Men’s Hockey Team, Jimmy V’s NC State Wolfpack, the “Miracle” Mets – sports history is filled with great underdog stories. So let me ask you: Why not here? Why not now? Why not JETT?