Power Ranking This Season’s Bachelorette Contestants Based on Their Likelihood to Entrap Me in a Multi-Level Marketing Scheme
Ed, 36, health care salesman
Ed checks all the boxes. Ed looks like he wakes up every morning and watches a Gary Vee TED talk. Ed tags his insta photos with #riseandgrind. Ed loves to network. Ed posts on LinkedIn.
Bennett, 36, wealth management consultant
If you didn’t get sleazy vibes from Bennet’s name, wide collar, peaking chest hair, or semi-translucent shirt, you just need to read his job title. Bennet’s ex-wife almost certainly owns a pink Mary Kay Cadillac Escalade.
Kenny, 39, boy band manager
I am pretty confident that the first multi-level-marketing scheme likely involved the management of boy bands, so at least Kenny is staying true to the craft. I think we can all appreciate Kenny’s confidence to hit everyone with a three (visible) button chest shot that subtly shows off his dragon pec tattoo. He has all the qualities of a successful MLM.
Tyler S., 36, music manager
Tyler likely read Kenny’s bio and tried to tone it down from “boy band manager” to just “music manager”. I have the same concerns here minus the misguided dragon tattoo.
Chaz, 29, personal vibe coach
This is not an actual contestant, just a stock photo titled “handsome-man-isolated-white-background”. Wanted to make sure you were paying attention.
Yosef, 30, medical device salesman
A few things going against Yosef here. First off, his job title raises red flags but at least he is likely selling to corporations vs people in need of health care. (Looking at you, Ed!) Also, never heard of his hometown “Daphne, Alabama” and highly doubt they hold Bachelorette auditions there. Suspect.
Mike, 38, digital media adviser
I was going to give Mike a pass but after taking a second look at his job title, I am concerned he is up to some hijinx. If he was a digital media specialist, manager, director (or just about any other suffix) he would get a pass, but what exactly is an ADVISER of digital media do? Sounds a lot like he is about to advise me that his knives are so sharp they can cut effortlessly cut through a piece of paper. I’m on to you, Mike.
Blake, 31, male grooming specialist
You know you can just say you’re a hair stylist, right? I have never heard a straighter way to say that you cut hair than “male grooming specialist”. Please just finish this blow-dry so I can politely decline purchasing your hair pills
Brandon, 28, real estate agent
I’m not sure the real estate business is booming in Cleveland, so I suspect that Brandon is a few quiet months away from transitioning to a Herbalife brand ambassador.