Hey, Jay Cutler. Make Me GM of the USA Handball Team.
Jay Cutler announced this week that he is still chasing the pinnacle of professional sports: an Olympic gold medal in handball. “I guarantee we could put a team together and win gold”, Cutler proclaimed during an appearance on Pardon My Take.
And when Jay says “we”, he obviously means me. So I have taken the liberty to put together our 2020 United States national handball team based on my extensive knowledge of the sport, all from this 4 minute video:
Boban Marjanovic - Dallas Mavericks Center
I am making Boban my defensive anchor because he could squish a watermelon between his hands like it was a grape. Boban’s parents are 5’6” and 5’9” so the apple fell very far from the tree. How did he get this large? Absolutely bananas. Look at him palm John Wick’s melon like it was a Jujube (yeah, look that one up bitch).
Michael Strahan - Daytime Emmy Award Winner
Another defender I am drafting due to physical attributes. While Boban gives us the hand size we need to stop incoming scoring attempts, Strahan gives me a little something extra to clog the lane.
Yes, those are Michael Strahan’s fingers. While you may see those hands and throw up a little in your mouth, I see those hands and salivate. Handball is a game of inches and every advantage counts. I can see Michael’s StrayHands coming in handy for deflecting passes and causing nightmares for the opposing offense.
Roman Reigns - WWE Superstar
Please review the GIFs below, comparing proper handball throw technique and Roman Reigns superman-punching HHH in the face. That is all.
Trevor Bauer - Cincinnati Reds Pitcher
Cutler seems focused on recruiting guys who can throw piss missiles at the opposing goalkeeper’s dome. I present to you Trevor Bauer throwing a baseball from the mound over the center field fence.
Globie - Harlem Globetrotters Mascot
My thought process for this pick was simple. I know that the team I have assembled so far can win gold, so now I am looking for a little bit of flash. Who better to provide the razzle dazzle than the Harlem Globetrotters? I assessed the team roster and originally was set to pick based on name alone. I had great choices like Handles Franklin, Spider Sharpless, and Too Tall Winston. Then I came across this video where Globie steals the show.
Brad Marchand - Boston Bruins Forward
Similar to my selection of Globie, this pick is purely for selfish reasons. We already have enough offensive firepower and defensive stoppers to win the gold, so I can use this slot to serve the greater good. Enjoy the video below while picturing Brad Marchand as Team USA’s goalie in the olympics.