Solving Sports’ Impending Coronavirus Attendance Problem
With all reports out of the major sports leagues pointing to impending game postponements or playing without fans, it’s time to start thinking about WHEN not IF Coronoavirus will impact the sports world. Luckily, I have a solution (available to any commissioner at a small fee and/or concession stand vouchers) that will put player concerns of empty arenas at ease.
THE PLAN: Assemble a “super team” of sports fans to serve as the United States Sports Force. This group of fans will attend all major league sporting events across the U.S. to provide an electric atmosphere and fill the void of fans being barred from stadiums.
These fans will need to agree to the following terms to participate:
NO human contact until the Coronavirus has been completely eradicated. The only human contact that is permitted is with other members of the Sports Force – which takes us to our second rule.
All members of the Sports Force will live inside a quarantined Buffalo Wild Wings for the duration of the project.
The Buffalo Wild Wings (which will be referred to as “B Dubs” for the remainder of this bullet point) will be outfitted with cameras to allow a 24/7 live feed of all Sports Force interactions. The rights to this stream will be sold to the highest bidding network and all proceeds will go towards funding a vaccine and sanitizing the B Dubs after our stay.
At the start of every game, the 9 members of the Sports Force will be randomly assigned their rooting interest. Home teams will receive 5 fans* and away teams will receive 4 fans to maintain home field advantages.
*In Tropicana Field, 8 fans will be assigned to the away team to maintain consistency with a normal game.
Our committee has been hard at work scouting sports fans across America and have identified the following candidates, extending them an open invitation to join the Force. Meet our team:
Lucha Mask Fan
There is not much tape on Lucha Mask Fan and very little is known about him, but this picture serves as his resume. Given the salute, he is obviously passionate about his country. His mask symbolizes his love of the pageantry of pro sports. The combination of the two at a pro football game says he has 100% had an extended stay at a B Dubs.
Fan That Attempts To Start The Wave At Sporting Events
This is less of an assignment designed to honor their commitment to sports fandom and more so a punishment. This fan will be assigned their own endzone/outfield/section for each game and must spend the duration of the game attempting to start the wave. There will be no other fans assigned to their section.
Zack Hample
Another example of an assignment that could be perceived as punishment. Zack Hample aka “foul ball guy” will be assigned to every major sporting event in America, except for baseball. For baseball games, he will be subbed in with a Raider fan which should be an interesting juxtaposition against a scoreless mid-June Royals vs Twins game.
WHISTLE MONSTA
Leroy Mitchell, Jr. AKA “Whistle Monsta” broke the world record in 2002 for, you guessed it, loudest whistle. According to a quick google search, that is comparable to an ambulance siren or a JACKHAMMER. The recommended limit on time exposed to a jackhammer (or Whistle Monsta) in order to reduce hearing loss risk is <1 second. What a treat it would be to go to a game with Leroy. Also, it looks like Whistle Monsta could also pull off organ player duties because my dude has range.
Fan That Curses Around Kids
As difficult as it will be for “Curses Around Kids” fan to give up his full time job, tweeting at high school recruits, for this assignment – he understands the gravity of the situation at hand. His section will have a designated beer vendor (in full Hazmat suit, of course) to ensure that he gets problematically aggressive towards his girlfriend for attempting to calm him down. (Please note: she also counts as a member of the Sports Force). They will both be seated the row behind….
Timothy Fletcher - Student at Elkridge Elementary School
Timothy is in 5th grade, loves sports, has “like a ton” of autographs, and feels uncomfortable around profanity.
Chiefs Puppet Lady
Janel Carbajo is just a delight. Every time we get a CBS game from Arrowhead Stadium, I fervently search for Janel and her delightful puppets. She was recently inducted into the “Ford Hall of Fans” so perhaps nobody has a better claim to the Sports Force. I am very excited to invite Janel to the team, but hope that this experience does not become a nightmare as she will be required to provide puppets for approximately 123 different teams. Get to work, Janel!
My Father
My father will not be assigned a specific section and if he did, he would likely disappear about 30 minutes in the game to explore the stadium. Seriously, where does he go between the 3rd and 6th inning? Anyways, Dad is there to provide good vibes as he will be in a good mood once he discovers how ideal the parking situation is with no fans at the game. Dad will also not be impacted by the lack of crowd noise since he will be replicating the viewing experience he prefers (as shown during his attendance of Game 7 of the 2004 Eastern Conference Finals) — listening to the local radio broadcast on his Walkman.
“Sports Force, Assemble!”